A parrot goes to a shopkeeper and asks ... 'Aam hai kya?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi. Hum Aam nahi bejte.'
Next day at the same time, the parrot goes again and asks him ...'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets a little irritated and says... 'Aare Bola na, Hum 'Aam nahi Bechte'
On the third day, the parrot goes again and asks him 'Aam hai kya ?'
He gets wild and yells ...'Bola na naahi. Abhi vapas aaya to hathoda marunga sar ke upar'
The next day,the parrot comes again and asks him ..'hathoda hai kya ?'
The shopkeeper says ... 'Nahi'
The parrot then asks ... 'Aam hai kya ?'
Part-2
The next day parrot again goes to shopkeeper and asks
"Aam hai kya??"
The shopkeeper is ready now....
He quickly pulls a hammer and hits the parrot on the face.
The parrot looses all his teeth
But determined, parrot again goes 2 the shopkeeper next day n asks
Scroll Down
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"AAM KA JUICE HAI KYA???"
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
CONFIDENCE LEVEL
Story told by a man which is most frightening yet thought-provoking experiences of his life.
He had been on a long flight. The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on: "Fasten your seat belts."
Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."
As he looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive. Later, the voice of the announcer said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us."
And then the storm broke. The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightening lit up the darkening skies and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash.
The man confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying.
The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm. And then, I suddenly saw a girl to whom the storm meant nothing. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat and was reading a book.
Everything within her small world was calm and orderly. Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world. When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm, when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid."
The man could hardly believe his eyes. It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, he lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time.
Having commented about the storm and behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid.
The sweet child replied,
"Sir, my Dad is the pilot and he is taking me home."
When you are sure of your self, your confident level is steady and you are never shaky you do the things calmly and successfully.
He had been on a long flight. The first warning of the approaching problems came when the sign on the airplane flashed on: "Fasten your seat belts."
Then, after a while, a calm voice said, "We shall not be serving the beverages at this time as we are expecting a little turbulence. Please be sure your seat belt is fastened."
As he looked around the aircraft, it became obvious that many of the passengers were becoming apprehensive. Later, the voice of the announcer said, "We are so sorry that we are unable to serve the meal at this time. The turbulence is still ahead of us."
And then the storm broke. The ominous cracks of thunder could be heard even above the roar of the engines. Lightening lit up the darkening skies and within moments that great plane was like a cork tossed around on a celestial ocean. One moment the airplane was lifted on terrific currents of air; the next, it dropped as if it were about to crash.
The man confessed that he shared the discomfort and fear of those around him. He said, "As I looked around the plane, I could see that nearly all the passengers were upset and alarmed. Some were praying.
The future seemed ominous and many were wondering if they would make it through the storm. And then, I suddenly saw a girl to whom the storm meant nothing. She had tucked her feet beneath her as she sat on her seat and was reading a book.
Everything within her small world was calm and orderly. Sometimes she closed her eyes, then she would read again; then she would straighten her legs, but worry and fear were not in her world. When the plane was being buffeted by the terrible storm, when it lurched this way and that, as it rose and fell with frightening severity, when all the adults were scared half to death, that marvelous child was completely composed and unafraid."
The man could hardly believe his eyes. It was not surprising therefore, that when the plane finally reached its destination and all the passengers were hurrying to disembark, he lingered to speak to the girl whom he had watched for such a long time.
Having commented about the storm and behavior of the plane, he asked why she had not been afraid.
The sweet child replied,
"Sir, my Dad is the pilot and he is taking me home."
When you are sure of your self, your confident level is steady and you are never shaky you do the things calmly and successfully.
A FEW GOOD JOKES
Wonderful coffee
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
*******
Doctor’s promise
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."
*******
Dentist's thinking
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
*******
In safe hands
Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.
Doctor: Don’t worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it’s the turn of the 90 percent survivors.
*******
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
*******
Doctor’s promise
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."
*******
Dentist's thinking
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
*******
In safe hands
Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.
Doctor: Don’t worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it’s the turn of the 90 percent survivors.
*******
MUST READ
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "Wow, you're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "I'm just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "Wow, you're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "I'm just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
Gynecologist's Assistant
Gynecologist's Assistant Opening
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's is located?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's is located?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'
SENIOR MOMENT
An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggest "The poppy?"
"No, no, no" growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggest "The poppy?"
"No, no, no" growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
DATING WITH WOMEN
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.
Monday, November 9, 2009
non veg jokes
Boy: " Pura andar gaya ?"
Madam: "Haan gaya.."
Boy: " Dard hua kya ?"
Madam: "Bahut hua"
Boy: "koi baat nahi! doosra sandal try kartay hai madam! "
..............................................
why man does not make whisling sound while passing urine like woman ?
-- 'coz god has given him 6 inch long SILENCER !
..............................................
Girl : " mom what is KHASAM ( husband ) ?
Mom : " beti when u will grow & will become a good girl! u will get one."
Girl :" If I do not become good girl ?"
Mom : " then u will get many !!!!! "
..............................................
Touch it gently ..
Put ur finger inside..
If hole is big put three fingers....
Rub it up & down gently.........
........
........
........
........
...that's the right way of washing the drinking glass!!!
Madam: "Haan gaya.."
Boy: " Dard hua kya ?"
Madam: "Bahut hua"
Boy: "koi baat nahi! doosra sandal try kartay hai madam! "
..............................................
why man does not make whisling sound while passing urine like woman ?
-- 'coz god has given him 6 inch long SILENCER !
..............................................
Girl : " mom what is KHASAM ( husband ) ?
Mom : " beti when u will grow & will become a good girl! u will get one."
Girl :" If I do not become good girl ?"
Mom : " then u will get many !!!!! "
..............................................
Touch it gently ..
Put ur finger inside..
If hole is big put three fingers....
Rub it up & down gently.........
........
........
........
........
...that's the right way of washing the drinking glass!!!
SMS JOKES
Lady : So, you want to become my son-in-law? Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way 2 marry ur daughter!
************
A lady delivered twins. Suprisingly one is a boy and another is a dog how it is possible? Bcoz her husband is HUTCH DEALER.... wherever u go out network follows
************
Dream makes al things possible, Hope makes al things work, luv makes al thigs beutifl, smile makes al d abv so always BRUSH UR TEETH...!
************
Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and ur parents.
************
A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would u do if u had to arrest ur own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
************
A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly? The father says to him, don't stress my son u should see the one who is reading this!!
************
What do u call a woman in heaven? An Angel. A crowd of woman in heaven? A host of Angels. And all woman in heaven? PEACE ON EARTH!
************
Girl: I wanna a responsible man as a husband. Man replies: Dat's me, whenever anyone is pregnant in my neighborhood, they say I m responsible!
************
Friend: how many women do u believe must a man marry? Mr. Bean: 16 Friend: Why? Mr. Bean: Coz the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
************
Psychiatrist' s receptionist comes & says There's a man out who says he can make himself invisible. Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."
************
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it. There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it!
************
Three dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks To be as rich as his child believes To have as many women as his wife suspects..
************
Women are like blue jeans, They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
************
A lady delivered twins. Suprisingly one is a boy and another is a dog how it is possible? Bcoz her husband is HUTCH DEALER.... wherever u go out network follows
************
Dream makes al things possible, Hope makes al things work, luv makes al thigs beutifl, smile makes al d abv so always BRUSH UR TEETH...!
************
Husband: Today is sunday & I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets. Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and ur parents.
************
A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would u do if u had to arrest ur own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
************
A baby monkey asks his father, Father why r we so ugly? The father says to him, don't stress my son u should see the one who is reading this!!
************
What do u call a woman in heaven? An Angel. A crowd of woman in heaven? A host of Angels. And all woman in heaven? PEACE ON EARTH!
************
Girl: I wanna a responsible man as a husband. Man replies: Dat's me, whenever anyone is pregnant in my neighborhood, they say I m responsible!
************
Friend: how many women do u believe must a man marry? Mr. Bean: 16 Friend: Why? Mr. Bean: Coz the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
************
Psychiatrist' s receptionist comes & says There's a man out who says he can make himself invisible. Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."
************
There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it. There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it!
************
Three dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother thinks To be as rich as his child believes To have as many women as his wife suspects..
************
Women are like blue jeans, They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
U.S.A IN THE YEAR 1907.
U.S.A IN THE YEAR 1907.
THE YEAR 1907-WHAT A DIFFERNCE CENTURY MAKES AND THIS WILL SURELY BOGGLE YOUR MIND.HERE ARE SOME STATISTICS OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.
* The average expectancy of LIFE in the U.S A. was 47 years old.
* Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had BATHTUB.
* Only 8 percent of the homes had telephone.
* A three minute call from Denver to New York city cost $11 per minute.
* There was only 8,000 in the U.S and only 144 miles of PAVED ROADS.
* The maximum speed was 10 miles per hour in most cities.
* With a population of 1.4 million people,CALIFORNIA was 21st most populous state.
* The average WAGE of a worker was 22 cents per hour and annual income was between $200 and $400.Accountant's income was about $2000. per year and DENTIST's income was around $2500. per year.
* A VETERINARIAN's income was $1500 per year and machanical engineer's income was $5,000. per year.
* More than 95 percent of all BIRTHS in the U.S took place at HOME.
* NINETY PERCENT OF ALL U.S. DOCTORS HAD NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!!!!
* Instead, they attended so-called medical SCHOOLS, many of which WERE CONDEMNED IN THE PRESS AND THE GOVERNMENT AS "SUBSTANDARD".
THE YEAR 1907-WHAT A DIFFERNCE CENTURY MAKES AND THIS WILL SURELY BOGGLE YOUR MIND.HERE ARE SOME STATISTICS OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.
* The average expectancy of LIFE in the U.S A. was 47 years old.
* Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had BATHTUB.
* Only 8 percent of the homes had telephone.
* A three minute call from Denver to New York city cost $11 per minute.
* There was only 8,000 in the U.S and only 144 miles of PAVED ROADS.
* The maximum speed was 10 miles per hour in most cities.
* With a population of 1.4 million people,CALIFORNIA was 21st most populous state.
* The average WAGE of a worker was 22 cents per hour and annual income was between $200 and $400.Accountant's income was about $2000. per year and DENTIST's income was around $2500. per year.
* A VETERINARIAN's income was $1500 per year and machanical engineer's income was $5,000. per year.
* More than 95 percent of all BIRTHS in the U.S took place at HOME.
* NINETY PERCENT OF ALL U.S. DOCTORS HAD NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!!!!
* Instead, they attended so-called medical SCHOOLS, many of which WERE CONDEMNED IN THE PRESS AND THE GOVERNMENT AS "SUBSTANDARD".
shairi
Ye dard mit gaya to phir?, Ye zakhm sil gaya to phir…?
Bichhar kar sochta hoon main, Wo phir se mil gaya to phir…?
Main titliyon k shehar mein, Rahoon to mujh ko fiker hai…
Wo phool jo khila nahi, Wo phool khil gaya to phir...?
.............................................
phoolon ki wadi me ho basera tera
sitaron ke aangan mein ho ghar tera
dua hai aik dost ki ik dosti ka
kay tujh se bhi khubsurat ho naseeb tera
.............................................
Iss pyaase raahi ko bus thoda paani chahiye
Bahot din bitaye dhoop mein bus thodi chhaya chahiye
Pyar tumse hum karte hain bahot bus thoi wafa chahiye
.............................................
Juki nazarose ikrar mat karna,
sir jukakar inkar mat karna,
raat bhar tadpte ho kisiki yadome,
aur hume kahte ho pyar mat karna
Bichhar kar sochta hoon main, Wo phir se mil gaya to phir…?
Main titliyon k shehar mein, Rahoon to mujh ko fiker hai…
Wo phool jo khila nahi, Wo phool khil gaya to phir...?
.............................................
phoolon ki wadi me ho basera tera
sitaron ke aangan mein ho ghar tera
dua hai aik dost ki ik dosti ka
kay tujh se bhi khubsurat ho naseeb tera
.............................................
Iss pyaase raahi ko bus thoda paani chahiye
Bahot din bitaye dhoop mein bus thodi chhaya chahiye
Pyar tumse hum karte hain bahot bus thoi wafa chahiye
.............................................
Juki nazarose ikrar mat karna,
sir jukakar inkar mat karna,
raat bhar tadpte ho kisiki yadome,
aur hume kahte ho pyar mat karna
Saturday, November 7, 2009
ladki aur chai
Ladki aur chai mein hamesha 6 qualities honi chahiye:
Garam ho Tez ho Meethi ho Doodh jyada ho 5 minute mein taiyyar ho and Raat bhar sone na de
.....................................................
A prostitute goes to a school for a job
Principal: Can u teach zoology/biology/geology or physiology?
Prostitute: No. Only DALOGY & NIKALOGY
.....................................................
How does a cricket commentrator describe a nude girl?
There is no coverno extra coverno slip2 silly points & 2 fine legsa deep gully... and little grass on the pitch bit wet after overnight rain. Any way it's going to be a fine batting pitch. Good for googlies and better for finger spin....
.....................................................
Sex n shopping have one thing in common:
In both the casesmen start sweating in 15 minutes n women want to go on and on and on and on!
Garam ho Tez ho Meethi ho Doodh jyada ho 5 minute mein taiyyar ho and Raat bhar sone na de
.....................................................
A prostitute goes to a school for a job
Principal: Can u teach zoology/biology/geology or physiology?
Prostitute: No. Only DALOGY & NIKALOGY
.....................................................
How does a cricket commentrator describe a nude girl?
There is no coverno extra coverno slip2 silly points & 2 fine legsa deep gully... and little grass on the pitch bit wet after overnight rain. Any way it's going to be a fine batting pitch. Good for googlies and better for finger spin....
.....................................................
Sex n shopping have one thing in common:
In both the casesmen start sweating in 15 minutes n women want to go on and on and on and on!
some interesting facts about internet
Myspace Facts
MySpace was founded by former Friendster members Chris Dewolfe and Tom Anderson in 2003. They saw opportunity to beat Friendster with more options and less restrictions for social network users. MySpace was purchased in 2005 for $580 million by Rupert Murdoch creator of a media empire that includes 20th Century Fox and the Fox television stations. MySpace has more than 40 billion page views a month. Google paid $900 million to be MySpace's search provider. MySpace runs on Microsoft .NET Framework, operating under Windows 2003 server and applications written in C# for ASP.NET.
******
History of Amazon.com
Jeff Bezon coined the term Amazon.com from the earlier name Cadabra.com. It was the excellent way to present large volume online bookstore. But did he have hidden intentions? It is hard to believe but in the early Internet days, when Yahoo was dominant search engine, results on one page were listed alphabetically. Amazon would always appear above its competition for a specific keywords. This could be a breaking point for Jeff to expand and became what it is today.
******
What Is Google?
Google, the Internet search company founded in September 1998. by Larry Page & Sergey Brin, got it's name from the word Googol, which represents number 1 followed with hundred zeros after it.
******
What Is Yahoo!?
Yahoo the complex internet organism has complicated name. Word "Yahoo" is shortcut for "Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle". It was coined by PhD candidates at Stanford University: David Filo and Jerry Yang.
MySpace was founded by former Friendster members Chris Dewolfe and Tom Anderson in 2003. They saw opportunity to beat Friendster with more options and less restrictions for social network users. MySpace was purchased in 2005 for $580 million by Rupert Murdoch creator of a media empire that includes 20th Century Fox and the Fox television stations. MySpace has more than 40 billion page views a month. Google paid $900 million to be MySpace's search provider. MySpace runs on Microsoft .NET Framework, operating under Windows 2003 server and applications written in C# for ASP.NET.
******
History of Amazon.com
Jeff Bezon coined the term Amazon.com from the earlier name Cadabra.com. It was the excellent way to present large volume online bookstore. But did he have hidden intentions? It is hard to believe but in the early Internet days, when Yahoo was dominant search engine, results on one page were listed alphabetically. Amazon would always appear above its competition for a specific keywords. This could be a breaking point for Jeff to expand and became what it is today.
******
What Is Google?
Google, the Internet search company founded in September 1998. by Larry Page & Sergey Brin, got it's name from the word Googol, which represents number 1 followed with hundred zeros after it.
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What Is Yahoo!?
Yahoo the complex internet organism has complicated name. Word "Yahoo" is shortcut for "Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle". It was coined by PhD candidates at Stanford University: David Filo and Jerry Yang.
the seven dangerous act
DON'T ACT THE 7 ACTIONS BELOW AFTER YOU HAVE A MEAL
Don't smoke- Experiment from experts proves that smoking a cigarette after meal is comparable to smoking 10 cigarettes (chances of cancer is higher).
Don't eat fruits immediately - Immediately eating fruits after meals will cause stomach to be bloated with air. Therefore take fruit 1-2 hr after meal or 1hr before meal.
Don't drink tea - Because tea leaves contain a high content of acid. This substance will cause the Protein content in the food we consume to be hardened thus difficult to digest.
Don't loosen your belt - Loosening the belt after a meal will easily cause the intestine to be twisted & blocked.
Don't bathe - Bathing will cause the increase of blood flow to the hands, legs & body thus the amount of blood around the stomach will therefore decrease. This will weaken the digestive system in our stomach.
Don't walk about - People always say that after a meal walk a hundred steps and you will live till 99.. In actual fact this is not true. Walking will cause the digestive system to be unable to absorb the nutrition from the food we intake.
Don't sleep immediately - The food we intake will not be able to digest properly. Thus will lead to gastric & infection in our intestine.
Don't smoke- Experiment from experts proves that smoking a cigarette after meal is comparable to smoking 10 cigarettes (chances of cancer is higher).
Don't eat fruits immediately - Immediately eating fruits after meals will cause stomach to be bloated with air. Therefore take fruit 1-2 hr after meal or 1hr before meal.
Don't drink tea - Because tea leaves contain a high content of acid. This substance will cause the Protein content in the food we consume to be hardened thus difficult to digest.
Don't loosen your belt - Loosening the belt after a meal will easily cause the intestine to be twisted & blocked.
Don't bathe - Bathing will cause the increase of blood flow to the hands, legs & body thus the amount of blood around the stomach will therefore decrease. This will weaken the digestive system in our stomach.
Don't walk about - People always say that after a meal walk a hundred steps and you will live till 99.. In actual fact this is not true. Walking will cause the digestive system to be unable to absorb the nutrition from the food we intake.
Don't sleep immediately - The food we intake will not be able to digest properly. Thus will lead to gastric & infection in our intestine.
extra marital affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 4th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 5th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Friday, November 6, 2009
one smart farmer
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped the drivers up even more!
So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up whatever you want."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, the sheriff's curiosity got the best him and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw. There, painted neatly on a sheet of plywood was Farmer John's sign:
NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW -- WATCH FOR CHICKS
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!"
So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said
SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
But that sped the drivers up even more!
So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.
Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up whatever you want."
And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, the sheriff's curiosity got the best him and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw. There, painted neatly on a sheet of plywood was Farmer John's sign:
NUDIST COLONY: GO SLOW -- WATCH FOR CHICKS
santa attacks
santa had always been worried that why he has one brother while his sister has two?????
**********
santa selling parachute, tells the customer "jump from plane n press button & you can land safely."
CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????
SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......
**********
santa is walking along the road. He sees a banana peel. What does he think??
"UFF, Aj phir girna padega!!"
Then next day he is walking along the road, he sees two banana peels. What does he think????????
"Ispe se giru, ya uspe se????"
Then the day after that he sees a lot of banana peels on the road. So he calls home and tells his wife..
"AAj ghar late aaoonga!!"
**********
After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.
When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."
**********
Bush: Impossible does not come in my dictionary...
Santa: Phir dictionary dhek ke kharidni chahiye thi na. .
**********
ekbar light gai hui thi.
SANTA : arre Banta bahuat garmi ho rahi hai, zara pankha lagana..
BANTA : kardi na sardaronwali baat!! pankha lagaya to moombatti bujh na jayegi??
**********
Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?
Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!
**********
Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.
**********
Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..
**********
Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....
**********
Thought for the Day!!!
If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?
Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM
**********
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?
Answer : On their Wedding !!
**********
Whats the height of Intelligence?
Answer : A 99 year old Santa going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ..
**********
**********
santa selling parachute, tells the customer "jump from plane n press button & you can land safely."
CUSTOMER: if it doesn't open????
SARDAR : PAISA WAPAS.......
**********
santa is walking along the road. He sees a banana peel. What does he think??
"UFF, Aj phir girna padega!!"
Then next day he is walking along the road, he sees two banana peels. What does he think????????
"Ispe se giru, ya uspe se????"
Then the day after that he sees a lot of banana peels on the road. So he calls home and tells his wife..
"AAj ghar late aaoonga!!"
**********
After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed.
When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."
**********
Bush: Impossible does not come in my dictionary...
Santa: Phir dictionary dhek ke kharidni chahiye thi na. .
**********
ekbar light gai hui thi.
SANTA : arre Banta bahuat garmi ho rahi hai, zara pankha lagana..
BANTA : kardi na sardaronwali baat!! pankha lagaya to moombatti bujh na jayegi??
**********
Customer: Is mirror ki guarantee kya hai?
Santa : It is 99% safe.! 100 feet se fenkoge to 99 feet tak kuchh nahi hoga"!
**********
Teacher to Santa " Where were U born?
Santa : In Tiruvanantapuram.
Teacher : Spell it?
Santa : (after thinking) I think I was born in GOA.
**********
Santa : People consider me as a "GOD"
Banta : How do you know??
Santa : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD ! U have come again..
**********
Santa complained 2 Police : Sir all items are missing, except the TV in my house.
Police : How the theif did not take TV???
Santa : I was watching TV na....
**********
Thought for the Day!!!
If you call your mother as MUM.. What will you call Mother's younger sis and elder sis?
Answer : MINIMUM & MAXIMUM
**********
When do you congratulate someone for their Mistake?
Answer : On their Wedding !!
**********
Whats the height of Intelligence?
Answer : A 99 year old Santa going for HUTCH ka naya lifetime scheme ..
**********
hard and fast reply
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea-captain.
'What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?'
'Throw out an anchor, sir.'
'What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?'
'Throw out another anchor, sir.'
'And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?'
'Throw out another anchor.'
'Hold on,' said the Captain, 'where are you getting all your anchors from?'
'From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.'
'What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?'
'Throw out an anchor, sir.'
'What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?'
'Throw out another anchor, sir.'
'And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?'
'Throw out another anchor.'
'Hold on,' said the Captain, 'where are you getting all your anchors from?'
'From the same place you're getting your storms, sir.'
CONFIDENCE AND SELF ESTEEM
Confidence and Self-Esteem were best friends. They went everywhere together. If Confidence bought a new dress, Self-Esteem bought one just like it. They were very close.
One day a new kid came to their school. His name was Peer Pressure. He had a friend called Hateful Words. They decided to give Confidence a hard time.
They constantly teased her. They forced her to do terrible things. It was so terrible that Confidence lost Self-Esteem. When Self-Esteem wanted to start some classes, Confidence said they wouldn't be any good.
Then one day, Peer Pressure introduced Confidence to Doubt. He wanted to ruin Confidence, but Peer Pressure said he couldn't yet. Self Esteem couldn't understand what was wrong with Confidence. Confidence now hung around with Depression, Low Self-Esteem, and Overeating.
These girls were friends of Peer Pressure. Self-Esteem no longer had any friends. She no longer felt good about herself. She went to see her Imaam. Imaam Good Words told her how to talk to Confidence. He introduced her to his daughter, Encouragement.
Encouragement and Self-Esteem went to find Confidence. Self Esteem hoped she wasn't too late. The girls found Confidence in a stupor. She was no longer a vibrant, happy young girl. There were dark circles under her eyes. She had gained so much weight from eating that she couldn't move.
Encouragement gasped and Self-Esteem cried. She begged Encouragement to do something.
Encouragement began to hug Confidence. She kissed her and loved her. She told her that she was a beautiful young lady who had a lot going for her.
Encouragement held Confidence so tightly that Self-Esteem thought she would smother her. Confidence began to cry. As she cried, she seemed to lose weight. Then a bright light suddenly glowed from Confidence and she began to smile.
Peer Pressure and his friends didn't like what Encouragement was doing and tried to attack her. They hit at her and pulled at her, but they couldn't pull her away from Confidence. Then Confidence began to speak.
"Get away from me, Peer Pressure. Take your friends and go. You no longer have any power over me." Confidence was now a glowing light. She and her friends made sure that Peer Pressure and his gang never bothered anyone in their town again.
***********
If you feel that Encouragement is not your friend, then try to find Encouragement in yourself. Self-Esteem and Confidence will follow.
One day a new kid came to their school. His name was Peer Pressure. He had a friend called Hateful Words. They decided to give Confidence a hard time.
They constantly teased her. They forced her to do terrible things. It was so terrible that Confidence lost Self-Esteem. When Self-Esteem wanted to start some classes, Confidence said they wouldn't be any good.
Then one day, Peer Pressure introduced Confidence to Doubt. He wanted to ruin Confidence, but Peer Pressure said he couldn't yet. Self Esteem couldn't understand what was wrong with Confidence. Confidence now hung around with Depression, Low Self-Esteem, and Overeating.
These girls were friends of Peer Pressure. Self-Esteem no longer had any friends. She no longer felt good about herself. She went to see her Imaam. Imaam Good Words told her how to talk to Confidence. He introduced her to his daughter, Encouragement.
Encouragement and Self-Esteem went to find Confidence. Self Esteem hoped she wasn't too late. The girls found Confidence in a stupor. She was no longer a vibrant, happy young girl. There were dark circles under her eyes. She had gained so much weight from eating that she couldn't move.
Encouragement gasped and Self-Esteem cried. She begged Encouragement to do something.
Encouragement began to hug Confidence. She kissed her and loved her. She told her that she was a beautiful young lady who had a lot going for her.
Encouragement held Confidence so tightly that Self-Esteem thought she would smother her. Confidence began to cry. As she cried, she seemed to lose weight. Then a bright light suddenly glowed from Confidence and she began to smile.
Peer Pressure and his friends didn't like what Encouragement was doing and tried to attack her. They hit at her and pulled at her, but they couldn't pull her away from Confidence. Then Confidence began to speak.
"Get away from me, Peer Pressure. Take your friends and go. You no longer have any power over me." Confidence was now a glowing light. She and her friends made sure that Peer Pressure and his gang never bothered anyone in their town again.
***********
If you feel that Encouragement is not your friend, then try to find Encouragement in yourself. Self-Esteem and Confidence will follow.
AMAZING FACTS ABOUT GUJARAT
1. Gujarat is one of the most prosperous states of the country, having a per-capita GDP 3.2 times India's average.
2. If it was a nation it would have been 67th richest nation in the world above many European and Asian economies like China and Ukraine .
3. Gujarat holds many records in India for economic development:
· 20% of India's Industrial Output
· 9% of India's Mineral Production
· 22% of India's exports
· 24% of India's textile production
· 35% of India's pharmaceutical products
· 51% of India's petrochemical production
4. The world's largest ship breaking yard is in Gujarat near Bhavnagar at Alang.
5. Reliance Petroleum Limited, one of the group companies of Reliance Industries Limited founded by Dhirubhai Ambani operates the oil refinery at Jamnagar which is the world's largest grass roots refineries .
6. Gujarat ranks first nationwide in gas-based thermal electricity generation with national market share of over 8% and second nationwide in nuclear electricity generation with national market share of over 1%.
7. Over 20% of the S&P CNX 500 conglomerates have corporate offices in Gujarat.
8. Over 35% of the stock market wealth of India is with Gujarati People.
9. Over 60% of Indian Population in North America is Gujarati.
10. An average income of a Gujarati family in North America is three times more than the average income of an American family.
11. Gujarat is having the longest sea shore compared to any other Indian state
12. Gujarat is having the highest no. of operating airports in India (Total 12).
13. India's 16% of Investment are from Gujarat.
14. Gujarat is having highest no. of vegetarian people compared to any other state in India.
15. The first ALL VEG PIZZA-HUT was opened in Ahmedabad
16. Ahmedabad – the commercial capital of Gujarat is the seventh largest city in India.
17. Surat is the fastest growing city in the world.
18. Gandhinagar is the Greenest Capital City in whole Asia.
19. Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad(IIMA) is Asia's 1 st and world's 45th ranked management college located in Ahmedabad, Gujarat.
20. Gujarat is the safest state as the Crime rate of it is 8.2 which is the least in India even after considering 2002 communal riots, stated by India Today 2005 report.
21. Gujarat is having least crime against women among all Indian states (excluding Goa) where AP is 1st, Delhi is 2nd , Bihar is 3rd ,Zarakhand is 4th and UP is 5th.
22. Ahmedabad which is the seventh largest city in India is the lowest in crime rate among all Tier-I and Tier-II cities of India as per National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) report.
23. Ahmedabad is ranked 2nd in Real Estate - Ahead of Bangalore,Chennai, Hyderabad, Mumbai & Delhi. 3rd in Policy Initiatives - Ahead of Bangalore, Chennai, Calcutta, Mumbai & Delhi. 4th in Manpower - Ahead of Bangalore,Chennai, Mumbai & Delhi.
2. If it was a nation it would have been 67th richest nation in the world above many European and Asian economies like China and Ukraine .
3. Gujarat holds many records in India for economic development:
· 20% of India's Industrial Output
· 9% of India's Mineral Production
· 22% of India's exports
· 24% of India's textile production
· 35% of India's pharmaceutical products
· 51% of India's petrochemical production
4. The world's largest ship breaking yard is in Gujarat near Bhavnagar at Alang.
5. Reliance Petroleum Limited, one of the group companies of Reliance Industries Limited founded by Dhirubhai Ambani operates the oil refinery at Jamnagar which is the world's largest grass roots refineries .
6. Gujarat ranks first nationwide in gas-based thermal electricity generation with national market share of over 8% and second nationwide in nuclear electricity generation with national market share of over 1%.
7. Over 20% of the S&P CNX 500 conglomerates have corporate offices in Gujarat.
8. Over 35% of the stock market wealth of India is with Gujarati People.
9. Over 60% of Indian Population in North America is Gujarati.
10. An average income of a Gujarati family in North America is three times more than the average income of an American family.
11. Gujarat is having the longest sea shore compared to any other Indian state
12. Gujarat is having the highest no. of operating airports in India (Total 12).
13. India's 16% of Investment are from Gujarat.
14. Gujarat is having highest no. of vegetarian people compared to any other state in India.
15. The first ALL VEG PIZZA-HUT was opened in Ahmedabad
16. Ahmedabad – the commercial capital of Gujarat is the seventh largest city in India.
17. Surat is the fastest growing city in the world.
18. Gandhinagar is the Greenest Capital City in whole Asia.
19. Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad(IIMA) is Asia's 1 st and world's 45th ranked management college located in Ahmedabad, Gujarat.
20. Gujarat is the safest state as the Crime rate of it is 8.2 which is the least in India even after considering 2002 communal riots, stated by India Today 2005 report.
21. Gujarat is having least crime against women among all Indian states (excluding Goa) where AP is 1st, Delhi is 2nd , Bihar is 3rd ,Zarakhand is 4th and UP is 5th.
22. Ahmedabad which is the seventh largest city in India is the lowest in crime rate among all Tier-I and Tier-II cities of India as per National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB) report.
23. Ahmedabad is ranked 2nd in Real Estate - Ahead of Bangalore,Chennai, Hyderabad, Mumbai & Delhi. 3rd in Policy Initiatives - Ahead of Bangalore, Chennai, Calcutta, Mumbai & Delhi. 4th in Manpower - Ahead of Bangalore,Chennai, Mumbai & Delhi.
Brilliant ways! How Girls turn Guys down!!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!
HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
luv is not measured
Luv is not measured by HuggingKissing & sex.
It's all about Trusting Respecting & Accepting a person with open legsclosed eyes & wet lips saying Push it more.
................................................
Teacher: Jimmedari kya hoti hai ?
Student: Madam agar apke blouse k 4 batton me se 3 tut jaye to 4th pe jo aati haiusko jimmedari kehte hai.
................................................
Fact of life: When a girl attains maturityshe wants to wear a bra...
When a boy attains maturityhe wants to remove that bra.....
................................................
If your boss says: Nothing is impossibleask him to wear a condom after sex.
It's all about Trusting Respecting & Accepting a person with open legsclosed eyes & wet lips saying Push it more.
................................................
Teacher: Jimmedari kya hoti hai ?
Student: Madam agar apke blouse k 4 batton me se 3 tut jaye to 4th pe jo aati haiusko jimmedari kehte hai.
................................................
Fact of life: When a girl attains maturityshe wants to wear a bra...
When a boy attains maturityhe wants to remove that bra.....
................................................
If your boss says: Nothing is impossibleask him to wear a condom after sex.
10 facts about dreams
10. Blind People Dream
People who become blind after birth can see images in their dreams. People who are born blind do not see any images, but have dreams equally vivid involving their other senses of sound, smell, touch and emotion. It is hard for a seeing person to imagine, but the body’s need for sleep is so strong that it is able to handle virtually all physical situations to make it happen.
9. You Forget 90% of your Dreams
Within 5 minutes of waking, half of your dream if forgotten. Within 10, 90% is gone. The famous poet, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, woke one morning having had a fantastic dream (likely opium induced) - he put pen to paper and began to describe his “vision in a dream” in what has become one of English’s most famous poems: Kubla Khan. Part way through (54 lines in fact) he was interrupted by a “Person from Porlock“. Coleridge returned to his poem but could not remember the rest of his dream. The poem was never completed.
8. Everybody Dreams
Every human being dreams (except in cases of extreme psychological disorder) but men and women have different dreams and different physical reactions. Men tend to dream more about other men, while women tend to dream equally about men and women. In addition, both men and women experience sexually related physical reactions to their dreams regardless of whether the dream is sexual in nature; males experience erections and females experience increased vaginal blood flow.
7. Dreams Prevent Psychosis
In a recent sleep study, students who were awakened at the beginning of each dream, but still allowed their 8 hours of sleep, all experienced difficulty in concentration, irritability, hallucinations, and signs of psychosis after only 3 days. When finally allowed their REM sleep the student’s brains made up for lost time by greatly increasing the percentage of sleep spent in the REM stage. [Source]
6. We Only Dream of What We Know
Our dreams are frequently full of strangers who play out certain parts - did you know that your mind is not inventing those faces - they are real faces of real people that you have seen during your life but may not know or remember? The evil killer in your latest dream may be the guy who pumped petrol in to your Dad’s car when you were just a little kid. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces through our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilize during our dreams.
5. Not Everyone Dreams in Color
A full 12% of sighted people dream exclusively in black and white. The remaining number dream in full color. People also tend to have common themes in dreams, which are situations relating to school, being chased, running slowly/in place, sexual experiences, falling, arriving too late, a person now alive being dead, teeth falling out, flying, failing an examination, or a car accident. It is unknown whether the impact of a dream relating to violence or death is more emotionally charged for a person who dreams in color than one who dreams in black and white. [Source]
4. Dreams are not about what they are about
If you dream about some particular subject it is not often that the dream is about that. Dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. The unconscious mind tries to compare your dream to something else, which is similar. Its like writing a poem and saying that a group of ants were like machines that never stop. But you would never compare something to itself, for example: “That beautiful sunset was like a beautiful sunset”. So whatever symbol your dream picks on it is most unlikely to be a symbol for itself.
3. Quitters have more vivid dreams
People who have smoked cigarettes for a long time who stop, have reported much more vivid dreams than they would normally experience. Additionally, according to the Journal of Abnormal Psychology: “Among 293 smokers abstinent for between 1 and 4 weeks, 33% reported having at least 1 dream about smoking. In most dreams, subjects caught themselves smoking and felt strong negative emotions, such as panic and guilt. Dreams about smoking were the result of tobacco withdrawal, as 97% of subjects did not have them while smoking, and their occurrence was significantly related to the duration of abstinence. They were rated as more vivid than the usual dreams and were as common as most major tobacco withdrawal symptoms.” [Source]
2. External Stimuli Invade our Dreams
This is called Dream Incorporation and it is the experience that most of us have had where a sound from reality is heard in our dream and incorporated in some way. A similar (though less external) example would be when you are physically thirsty and your mind incorporates that feeling in to your dream. My own experience of this includes repeatedly drinking a large glass of water in the dream which satisfies me, only to find the thirst returning shortly after - this thirst… drink… thirst… loop often recurs until I wake up and have a real drink. The famous painting above (Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening) by Salvador Dali, depicts this concept.
1. You are paralyzed while you sleep
Believe it or not, your body is virtually paralyzed during your sleep - most likely to prevent your body from acting out aspects of your dreams. According to the Wikipedia article on dreaming, “Glands begin to secrete a hormone that helps induce sleep and neurons send signals to the spinal cord which cause the body to relax and later become essentially paralyzed.”
Bonus: Extra Facts
1. When you are snoring, you are not dreaming.
2. Toddlers do not dream about themselves until around the age of 3. From the same age, children typically have many more nightmares than adults do until age 7 or 8.
3. If you are awakened out of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, you are more likely to remember your dream in a more vivid way than you would if you woke from a full night sleep.
People who become blind after birth can see images in their dreams. People who are born blind do not see any images, but have dreams equally vivid involving their other senses of sound, smell, touch and emotion. It is hard for a seeing person to imagine, but the body’s need for sleep is so strong that it is able to handle virtually all physical situations to make it happen.
9. You Forget 90% of your Dreams
Within 5 minutes of waking, half of your dream if forgotten. Within 10, 90% is gone. The famous poet, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, woke one morning having had a fantastic dream (likely opium induced) - he put pen to paper and began to describe his “vision in a dream” in what has become one of English’s most famous poems: Kubla Khan. Part way through (54 lines in fact) he was interrupted by a “Person from Porlock“. Coleridge returned to his poem but could not remember the rest of his dream. The poem was never completed.
8. Everybody Dreams
Every human being dreams (except in cases of extreme psychological disorder) but men and women have different dreams and different physical reactions. Men tend to dream more about other men, while women tend to dream equally about men and women. In addition, both men and women experience sexually related physical reactions to their dreams regardless of whether the dream is sexual in nature; males experience erections and females experience increased vaginal blood flow.
7. Dreams Prevent Psychosis
In a recent sleep study, students who were awakened at the beginning of each dream, but still allowed their 8 hours of sleep, all experienced difficulty in concentration, irritability, hallucinations, and signs of psychosis after only 3 days. When finally allowed their REM sleep the student’s brains made up for lost time by greatly increasing the percentage of sleep spent in the REM stage. [Source]
6. We Only Dream of What We Know
Our dreams are frequently full of strangers who play out certain parts - did you know that your mind is not inventing those faces - they are real faces of real people that you have seen during your life but may not know or remember? The evil killer in your latest dream may be the guy who pumped petrol in to your Dad’s car when you were just a little kid. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces through our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilize during our dreams.
5. Not Everyone Dreams in Color
A full 12% of sighted people dream exclusively in black and white. The remaining number dream in full color. People also tend to have common themes in dreams, which are situations relating to school, being chased, running slowly/in place, sexual experiences, falling, arriving too late, a person now alive being dead, teeth falling out, flying, failing an examination, or a car accident. It is unknown whether the impact of a dream relating to violence or death is more emotionally charged for a person who dreams in color than one who dreams in black and white. [Source]
4. Dreams are not about what they are about
If you dream about some particular subject it is not often that the dream is about that. Dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. The unconscious mind tries to compare your dream to something else, which is similar. Its like writing a poem and saying that a group of ants were like machines that never stop. But you would never compare something to itself, for example: “That beautiful sunset was like a beautiful sunset”. So whatever symbol your dream picks on it is most unlikely to be a symbol for itself.
3. Quitters have more vivid dreams
People who have smoked cigarettes for a long time who stop, have reported much more vivid dreams than they would normally experience. Additionally, according to the Journal of Abnormal Psychology: “Among 293 smokers abstinent for between 1 and 4 weeks, 33% reported having at least 1 dream about smoking. In most dreams, subjects caught themselves smoking and felt strong negative emotions, such as panic and guilt. Dreams about smoking were the result of tobacco withdrawal, as 97% of subjects did not have them while smoking, and their occurrence was significantly related to the duration of abstinence. They were rated as more vivid than the usual dreams and were as common as most major tobacco withdrawal symptoms.” [Source]
2. External Stimuli Invade our Dreams
This is called Dream Incorporation and it is the experience that most of us have had where a sound from reality is heard in our dream and incorporated in some way. A similar (though less external) example would be when you are physically thirsty and your mind incorporates that feeling in to your dream. My own experience of this includes repeatedly drinking a large glass of water in the dream which satisfies me, only to find the thirst returning shortly after - this thirst… drink… thirst… loop often recurs until I wake up and have a real drink. The famous painting above (Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening) by Salvador Dali, depicts this concept.
1. You are paralyzed while you sleep
Believe it or not, your body is virtually paralyzed during your sleep - most likely to prevent your body from acting out aspects of your dreams. According to the Wikipedia article on dreaming, “Glands begin to secrete a hormone that helps induce sleep and neurons send signals to the spinal cord which cause the body to relax and later become essentially paralyzed.”
Bonus: Extra Facts
1. When you are snoring, you are not dreaming.
2. Toddlers do not dream about themselves until around the age of 3. From the same age, children typically have many more nightmares than adults do until age 7 or 8.
3. If you are awakened out of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep, you are more likely to remember your dream in a more vivid way than you would if you woke from a full night sleep.
little jonny
One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water
Hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years,
And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years,
And he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
galib
EK BAAR GHALIB SAHAB TOILET ME SU..SU.. KARTE KHADE HOTE HAI..
TABHI ACHANAK UNHE APNEE BEWAFA ITEM KI YAAD AATI HAI...
TO USKI YYAD ME WO WAHI PER KHADE KHADE SHAYREE KARTE HAI....
" TERI BEWAFAEE KA KUCH IS KADAR ASAR HUA MUZH PER..
TERI BEWAFAEE KA KUCH IS KADAR ASAR HUA MUZHPER...
K MERE AANSU BHI TEREE TARAH BEWAFA NIKLE..
AB TO WOH BHI NIKALTE HAI TO RAASTA BADAL BADAL KE."
...............................................
Haath Main Lo To Dabane Ko Dil Kerta Hy
Dabalo To Choosne Ko Dil Kerta Hy
Choos Lo Tou Dil Nahi Bharta
Q k
Q k
Saal main Ek Hii baar Tou Aata Hai AAAM . . .
HaPpY SumMer SeAsOn . . .->
...............................................
PREGNENT GIRL FRIEND AUR JALE HUE TOAST KO DEKH KAR AAP KYA SOCHTE HAINN ?
?
?
?
KAASH EK MINUTE PAHLE NIKAL LIYA HOTA!!
TABHI ACHANAK UNHE APNEE BEWAFA ITEM KI YAAD AATI HAI...
TO USKI YYAD ME WO WAHI PER KHADE KHADE SHAYREE KARTE HAI....
" TERI BEWAFAEE KA KUCH IS KADAR ASAR HUA MUZH PER..
TERI BEWAFAEE KA KUCH IS KADAR ASAR HUA MUZHPER...
K MERE AANSU BHI TEREE TARAH BEWAFA NIKLE..
AB TO WOH BHI NIKALTE HAI TO RAASTA BADAL BADAL KE."
...............................................
Haath Main Lo To Dabane Ko Dil Kerta Hy
Dabalo To Choosne Ko Dil Kerta Hy
Choos Lo Tou Dil Nahi Bharta
Q k
Q k
Saal main Ek Hii baar Tou Aata Hai AAAM . . .
HaPpY SumMer SeAsOn . . .->
...............................................
PREGNENT GIRL FRIEND AUR JALE HUE TOAST KO DEKH KAR AAP KYA SOCHTE HAINN ?
?
?
?
KAASH EK MINUTE PAHLE NIKAL LIYA HOTA!!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I HATE MY HUSBAND
Wife A: I hate my Engineer husband. Erect & Erect.
Wife B: I Hate my Doc husband. Inject & Inject.
Wife C: U both r luckymine is judge… Tarik pe Tarikh ( DATE on DATE)
..................................................
Wife 2 naked husband: Why r u walking aroundthe neighbours can see ur thing?
Husband: So what?
Wife: They'll think I married u for MONEY!
..................................................
A time comes in life when your wife begins to trust you.
It doesn’t mean that you have become Enlightened.
It doesn’t mean that you have turned a Saint.
It just means that you have lost your hunting abilitiesshe is convinced that you cannot even catch a running tortoiseleave aside a PUSSY.
..................................................
Wife: Muje lagta hai apka Rita k saath najayaz rishta hai.
Hubby: Ye tum kaise keh sakti ho?
Wife: Kal jab uske husband ayeto apki underwerr pehne huye the.
Wife B: I Hate my Doc husband. Inject & Inject.
Wife C: U both r luckymine is judge… Tarik pe Tarikh ( DATE on DATE)
..................................................
Wife 2 naked husband: Why r u walking aroundthe neighbours can see ur thing?
Husband: So what?
Wife: They'll think I married u for MONEY!
..................................................
A time comes in life when your wife begins to trust you.
It doesn’t mean that you have become Enlightened.
It doesn’t mean that you have turned a Saint.
It just means that you have lost your hunting abilitiesshe is convinced that you cannot even catch a running tortoiseleave aside a PUSSY.
..................................................
Wife: Muje lagta hai apka Rita k saath najayaz rishta hai.
Hubby: Ye tum kaise keh sakti ho?
Wife: Kal jab uske husband ayeto apki underwerr pehne huye the.
NON VEG SMS
Mother found a condom in daughter's cupboard.
She went straight to her n asked: What is this?
Girl: To aap kya chahti hainmain is umar mein Maa ban jaaun?!
....................................................
Playboy has started a special edition for Married men.
The same woman is featured every month.
....................................................
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So let's begin.
....................................................
Lady: What is a good time for Sex?
Doctor: In the afternon between 2 to 4.
Lady: Why ?
Dr: The compounder will not be here...
She went straight to her n asked: What is this?
Girl: To aap kya chahti hainmain is umar mein Maa ban jaaun?!
....................................................
Playboy has started a special edition for Married men.
The same woman is featured every month.
....................................................
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So let's begin.
....................................................
Lady: What is a good time for Sex?
Doctor: In the afternon between 2 to 4.
Lady: Why ?
Dr: The compounder will not be here...
5 MINUTE MANAGER
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
*********
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
*********
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.
*********
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
*********
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
*********
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of this story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
*********
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
*********
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.
*********
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
*********
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
*********
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the Winter.It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of this story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
BLONDE JOKE
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......?????
CAR TROUBLE
Blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond, "they're watch dogs."
CAR TROUBLE
Blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the blond, "they're watch dogs."
WORDS OF WISDOM
"Focused will is incredible. If you have a dream and you don't give up no matter what obstacles come up, then life's problems will fall away and you will get what you want. It happens. It works." ~~ Yanni
*******
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~~ Bernice Johnson Reagon
*******
"To be successful you must accept all challenges that come your way. You can't just accept the ones you like." ~~ Mike Gafka
*******
"Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above it." ~~ Washington Irving
*******
"The obstacles you face are... mental barriers which can be broken by adopting a more positive approach." ~~ Clarence Blasier
*******
"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." ~~ Bernice Johnson Reagon
*******
"To be successful you must accept all challenges that come your way. You can't just accept the ones you like." ~~ Mike Gafka
*******
"Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above it." ~~ Washington Irving
*******
"The obstacles you face are... mental barriers which can be broken by adopting a more positive approach." ~~ Clarence Blasier
TRUTH ABOUT FAILURE
Failure doesn't mean you are a failure...
It does mean you haven't succeeded yet
Failure doesn't mean you have accomplished nothing...
It does mean you have learned something
Failure doesn't mean you have been a fool...
It does mean you had a lot of faith
Failure doesn't mean you have been disgraced...
It does mean you were willing to try
Failure doesn't mean you don't have it...
It does mean you have to do something in a different way
Failure doesn't mean you are inferior...
It does mean you are not perfect
Failure doesn't mean you've wasted your life...
It does mean you've got a reason to start afresh
Failure doesn't mean you should give up...
It does mean you should try harder
Failure doesn't mean you'll never make it...
It does mean it will take a little longer
It does mean you haven't succeeded yet
Failure doesn't mean you have accomplished nothing...
It does mean you have learned something
Failure doesn't mean you have been a fool...
It does mean you had a lot of faith
Failure doesn't mean you have been disgraced...
It does mean you were willing to try
Failure doesn't mean you don't have it...
It does mean you have to do something in a different way
Failure doesn't mean you are inferior...
It does mean you are not perfect
Failure doesn't mean you've wasted your life...
It does mean you've got a reason to start afresh
Failure doesn't mean you should give up...
It does mean you should try harder
Failure doesn't mean you'll never make it...
It does mean it will take a little longer
BEST WOMEN TO MARRY
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he`s a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".
The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she`s pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
6:00 a.m.
The phone rings it`s the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. The nurse`s husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."
The man sourly replies, "Son, don`t ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
6:30 a.m.
The telephone operator`s husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man`s hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
4:30 p.m.
The teacher`s husband called for breakfast. Joe can`t believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right."
CTRL+ ALT+ DEL
Have you ever thought of the person who invented "CTRL + ALT + DEL " key combination.
"David Bradley"
He is the One who spent 1 minute and 23 seconds in writing the source code that rescues
The world's PC users for decades This extraordinary IBM employee is retiring on Friday, 25th March 2005 after a prolong service of 29 years.
His formula forces obstinate computers to restart when they no longer follow other commands.
By 1980, Bradley was one of 12 people working to create the debut.
The engineers knew they had to design a simple way to restart the computer When it fails to respond the user Bradley wrote the code to make it work.
Bradley says. "I did a lot of other things than Ctrl-Alt-Delete, but I'm famous for that one."
His fame and success is achieved each time a PC user fails.
He Commented His relationship with Bill gates by saying
"I may have invented it, but Bill gates made it famous by applying my formula When ever any Microsoft's Windows operating system made by him CRASHES,
Thus I win when ever he looses..........."
"David Bradley"
He is the One who spent 1 minute and 23 seconds in writing the source code that rescues
The world's PC users for decades This extraordinary IBM employee is retiring on Friday, 25th March 2005 after a prolong service of 29 years.
His formula forces obstinate computers to restart when they no longer follow other commands.
By 1980, Bradley was one of 12 people working to create the debut.
The engineers knew they had to design a simple way to restart the computer When it fails to respond the user Bradley wrote the code to make it work.
Bradley says. "I did a lot of other things than Ctrl-Alt-Delete, but I'm famous for that one."
His fame and success is achieved each time a PC user fails.
He Commented His relationship with Bill gates by saying
"I may have invented it, but Bill gates made it famous by applying my formula When ever any Microsoft's Windows operating system made by him CRASHES,
Thus I win when ever he looses..........."
BRIDGE OF LOVE
Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict.
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said."Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?
"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother.Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn?I want you to build me a fence - - an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."
The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing, and hammering.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all.
It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched."You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more love bridges to build."
It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.
One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said."Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?
"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother.Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us.
Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn?I want you to build me a fence - - an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."
The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."
The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing, and hammering.
About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all.
It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched."You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."
The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.
"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.
"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more love bridges to build."
SOME STUPID QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??
Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??
Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
AMERICAN PATELBHAI
It was three in morning and wife Rachel was not able to sleep as her husband was pacing the bedroom floor with self-talking, gesturing with anxiety of some short.
So Rachel asked the husband Jackie, "What was so bothering him that he would keep her from sex and also let her not sleep.”
"You know our next door kindly neighbor, Patelbhai. I had to borrow one thousand dollars from him to pay all your expensive credit card shopping bills. It is promised to be paid back tomorrow to Patelbhai. ”Then he added somberly,
“and I don’t have money to pay him back. What am I going to say him tomorrow.”
Rachel gets out of bed, opens the window and yells, "Patelbhai" and then again and again "Patelbhai, hey Patelbhai".
Finally awakened and wobbling Patel opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What? What is it, Rachel? It's 3 AM. What is so emergency. What do you want?"
Rachel says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it and He would not give it to you tomorrow."
Rachel then slams the window shut, and turns to Jackie and says, "Now you go to sleep, let me sleep and let Patelbhai pace the floor till tomorrow morning and beyond."
So Rachel asked the husband Jackie, "What was so bothering him that he would keep her from sex and also let her not sleep.”
"You know our next door kindly neighbor, Patelbhai. I had to borrow one thousand dollars from him to pay all your expensive credit card shopping bills. It is promised to be paid back tomorrow to Patelbhai. ”Then he added somberly,
“and I don’t have money to pay him back. What am I going to say him tomorrow.”
Rachel gets out of bed, opens the window and yells, "Patelbhai" and then again and again "Patelbhai, hey Patelbhai".
Finally awakened and wobbling Patel opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What? What is it, Rachel? It's 3 AM. What is so emergency. What do you want?"
Rachel says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it and He would not give it to you tomorrow."
Rachel then slams the window shut, and turns to Jackie and says, "Now you go to sleep, let me sleep and let Patelbhai pace the floor till tomorrow morning and beyond."
SUPERNATURAL POWER
There was this case in this hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed on Friday mornings around 9am regardless of their age, gender, medical history or medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?
So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.
Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.
Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil...and they waited.
8am, the patient was still alive...
8.30am...still breathing...
Just before the 'cursed' time, the door to the ward swung open...
Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural: Why did death occur at that same bed around the same time every Friday?
So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause of the deaths.
Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. The new (unknowing) patient laid there.
Some doctors held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil...and they waited.
8am, the patient was still alive...
8.30am...still breathing...
Just before the 'cursed' time, the door to the ward swung open...
Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, comes in and unplugs the life support system so that she can use the vacuum cleaner!
The Obliging Mortician
Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.
She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband's size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.
The woman smiled.
He continued: "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around".
She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband's size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.
The woman smiled.
He continued: "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around".
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON
DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON ?
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, " How do I know if I married the right person ?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, " It Depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered " How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's Weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with Your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked Their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a Completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, " I was swept of my feet." Think about the Imagery of that _expression. It implies that you were just standing There; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the Natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls Become a bother ( if they come at all), touch is not always welcome ( when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you Think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, " Did I marry The right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of The love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.
This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their Unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is The most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You Could.
And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because ( listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find " LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the _expression " the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it Takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific Things you can do ( with or without your spouse ) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe ( such as gravity),
There are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise Program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your Relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... You can " make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a " decision"... Not just a feeling.
During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, " How do I know if I married the right person ?"
I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, " It Depends. Is that your husband?"
In all seriousness, she answered " How do you know?"
Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's Weighing on your mind.
Here's the answer.
EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with Your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked Their idiosyncrasies.
Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a Completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.
People in love sometimes say, " I was swept of my feet." Think about the Imagery of that _expression. It implies that you were just standing There; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.
Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.
But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the Natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls Become a bother ( if they come at all), touch is not always welcome ( when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.
The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you Think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.
At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, " Did I marry The right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of The love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.
This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their Unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.
Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is The most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.
But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.
I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You Could.
And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because ( listen carefully to this):
THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.
SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find " LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the _expression " the labor of love."
Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it Takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.
Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific Things you can do ( with or without your spouse ) to succeed with your marriage.
Just as there are physical laws of the universe ( such as gravity),
There are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise Program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your Relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... You can " make" love.
Love in marriage is indeed a " decision"... Not just a feeling.
SOME NON VEG JOKES
Recommended Dosage of VIAGRA
New Girl friend: No need
Old G/f: 1/2 tablet
Mistress: 1 tablet
Wife: 2 tabs + whisky + blue film + will power + her permission.
.................................................
MUNNABHAI: ABE CIRCUITTU BHAUT SHANA BANTA HAIJARA BATA MACHHAR SE AIDS KYON NAHI FAILTA?
CIRCUIT: SIMPLE BHAI..
MACHHAR SUCK KARTA HAI... FU*K NAHIN KARTA:)
.................................................
A woman married a one legged man.
She wrote to her mother:
"My husband only has ONE FOOT".
Her Mother replied:
"You are luckyyour papa has
ONLY 5 INCHES"
New Girl friend: No need
Old G/f: 1/2 tablet
Mistress: 1 tablet
Wife: 2 tabs + whisky + blue film + will power + her permission.
.................................................
MUNNABHAI: ABE CIRCUITTU BHAUT SHANA BANTA HAIJARA BATA MACHHAR SE AIDS KYON NAHI FAILTA?
CIRCUIT: SIMPLE BHAI..
MACHHAR SUCK KARTA HAI... FU*K NAHIN KARTA:)
.................................................
A woman married a one legged man.
She wrote to her mother:
"My husband only has ONE FOOT".
Her Mother replied:
"You are luckyyour papa has
ONLY 5 INCHES"
CONGRATULATIONS
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,
if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However,
if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
life in 1500's
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying
"thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and
"chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
"upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of "holding a wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and re-use the grave. When re-opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
Here are some facts about the 1500s:
These are interesting...
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet , so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying
"thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot,
peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and
"chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
"upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of "holding a wake."
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and re-use the grave. When re-opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
non veg jokes
The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !
..........................................
Why are condoms transparent?
So that sperms can atleast enjoy the scene, even if their entry is restricted...!
..........................................
Preeto Santa’s wife was going to her Parents and was packing the suitcase with need-full.
Santa goes to his friend Bantu and says, “She is so innocent and loving that she even takes the condoms with her for remembering me.”
..........................................
Lady:my husbnd can put 1ful hand in my private.
2nd:my husbnd put hand & leg in my private.
3rd-pulld her sari up & said SUNO JARA BAHAR AANA.
The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang Till Death !
..........................................
Why are condoms transparent?
So that sperms can atleast enjoy the scene, even if their entry is restricted...!
..........................................
Preeto Santa’s wife was going to her Parents and was packing the suitcase with need-full.
Santa goes to his friend Bantu and says, “She is so innocent and loving that she even takes the condoms with her for remembering me.”
..........................................
Lady:my husbnd can put 1ful hand in my private.
2nd:my husbnd put hand & leg in my private.
3rd-pulld her sari up & said SUNO JARA BAHAR AANA.
know yoyr eyes
1.Eyes are the most complex organs you possess except for your brain.
***********
2.Eyes are composed of more than two million working parts.
***********
3.Eyes can process 36,000 bits of information every hour.
***********
4.Under the right conditions, can discern the light of a candle at a distance of 14 miles.
***********
5.Eyes contribute towards 85% of your total knowledge.
***********
6.Eyes utilize 65% of all the pathways to the brain.
***********
7.Eyes can instantaneously set in motion hundreds of muscles and organs in your body.
***********
8.In a normal life-span, will bring you almost 24 million images of the world around you.
***********
9.The external muscles that move the eyes are the strongest muscles in the human body for the job that they have to do. They are 100 times more powerful than they need to be.
***********
10.The adult eyeball measures about 1 inch (2.5 cm) in diameter. Of its total surface area only one-sixth is exposed -- the front portion.
***********
11.The eye is the only part of the human body that can function at 100% ability at any moment, day or night, without rest. Your eyelids need rest, the external muscles of your eyes need rest, the lubrication of your eyes requires replenishment, but your eyes themselves "never" need rest. But please rest them!
***********
12.Eyes are your most precious sense... cares for them properly!
***********
2.Eyes are composed of more than two million working parts.
***********
3.Eyes can process 36,000 bits of information every hour.
***********
4.Under the right conditions, can discern the light of a candle at a distance of 14 miles.
***********
5.Eyes contribute towards 85% of your total knowledge.
***********
6.Eyes utilize 65% of all the pathways to the brain.
***********
7.Eyes can instantaneously set in motion hundreds of muscles and organs in your body.
***********
8.In a normal life-span, will bring you almost 24 million images of the world around you.
***********
9.The external muscles that move the eyes are the strongest muscles in the human body for the job that they have to do. They are 100 times more powerful than they need to be.
***********
10.The adult eyeball measures about 1 inch (2.5 cm) in diameter. Of its total surface area only one-sixth is exposed -- the front portion.
***********
11.The eye is the only part of the human body that can function at 100% ability at any moment, day or night, without rest. Your eyelids need rest, the external muscles of your eyes need rest, the lubrication of your eyes requires replenishment, but your eyes themselves "never" need rest. But please rest them!
***********
12.Eyes are your most precious sense... cares for them properly!
dying husband
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me.
You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed.
"You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you.
Please... tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me.
You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed.
"You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you.
Please... tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
GM VS MS
GM vs MS
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
l. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the car windows, shut it off, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT", but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you SURE?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
GOD IS IN JOKING MOOD
A man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!.......just a second."
He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!.......just a second."
SMART MONKEY
One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he spotted a monkey up in a tree.
He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down.
The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down."
So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.
The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."
"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."
"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.
"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."
He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him feel comfortable enough to come down.
The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down."
So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started shaking.
The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."
"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."
"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.
"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion before."
SAND AND STONE
This story tells of two friends walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone. Why?"
The other friend replied, "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. When someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, where no wind can ever erase it."
Learn to write your hurts in sand, and to carve your benefits in stone.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone. Why?"
The other friend replied, "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. When someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, where no wind can ever erase it."
Learn to write your hurts in sand, and to carve your benefits in stone.
FIRST CLASS MANAGER
A First Class Manager (FCM) is going thru' a forest one evening when his car breaks down. He looks around and finds a lone house. He knocks the door which is opened by a stunning woman.
FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?
Woman: Well. I live alone.
FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I got only one bed.
FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I go to bed naked.
FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: Be my guest, FCM.
Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.
FCM: Good birds you got there.
Woman: Yeah.
FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?
Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock..
FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around.
Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class managers
FCM: Can I spend the night at your place?
Woman: Well. I live alone.
FCM: I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I got only one bed.
FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: I go to bed naked.
FCM: No problem. I'm an honourable man, a FCM.
Woman: Be my guest, FCM.
Next morning while leaving, FCM finds the woman busy with her poultry.
FCM: Good birds you got there.
Woman: Yeah.
FCM: How many cocks and how many hens?
Woman: Two hundred hens, one cock..
FCM: But I can see over a dozen cocks around.
Woman: Only one cock over there. The others are first class managers
CALL CENTRE CONVERSATION
Call to technical support:
Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?
Caller: Mmmm.. Wait, I will send a picture.
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Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?
Caller: Mmmm.. Wait, I will send a picture.
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HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, :Can your dog perform other tricks?".
"But of course", the man answers, "he can even satisfy a woman." Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing.
"It's always the same thing with you!", the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one last time'.
SCORE BOARD
A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.
Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."
The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.
"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."
So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.
Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.
So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.
After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.
The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.
This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"
Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.
"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."
The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.
After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.
"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."
"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."
So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.
Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.
So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.
After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.
The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.
This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.
Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"
FACT ABOUT BLOOD DONATION
* Person above 18 years of age and over 50 Kgs. in weight can donate blood once in three months.
* A normal adult has five to six liters of blood in his/her body of which only 300 ml is used during blood donation.
* This blood is replaced by your body within 24 to 48 hours!
* No special diet, rest or medicine is required after blood donation.
* The donor should not have taken any medicine in the last 48 hours.
* The donor should not have contacted jaundice in the previous three years.
* Every donor is given a medical checkup prior to donation to see if he/she is medically fit and doesn't suffer from anemia, high blood pressure etc.,
* The donor cannot contract AIDS or any other disease by donating blood.
* A normal adult has five to six liters of blood in his/her body of which only 300 ml is used during blood donation.
* This blood is replaced by your body within 24 to 48 hours!
* No special diet, rest or medicine is required after blood donation.
* The donor should not have taken any medicine in the last 48 hours.
* The donor should not have contacted jaundice in the previous three years.
* Every donor is given a medical checkup prior to donation to see if he/she is medically fit and doesn't suffer from anemia, high blood pressure etc.,
* The donor cannot contract AIDS or any other disease by donating blood.
THE MOUSE, THE FROG AND THE HAWK
A Mouse who always lived on the land, by an unlucky chance, formed an intimate acquaintance with a Frog, who lived, for the most part, in the water. One day, the Frog was intent on mischief. He tied the foot of the Mouse tightly to his own. Thus joined together, the Frog led his friend the Mouse to the meadow where they usually searched for food.
After this, he gradually led him towards the pond in which he lived, until reaching the banks of the water, he suddenly jumped in, dragging the Mouse with him. The Frog enjoyed the water amazingly, and swam croaking about, as if he had done a good deed.
The unhappy Mouse was soon sputtered and drowned in the water, and his poor dead body floating about on the surface. A Hawk observed the foating Mouse from the sky, and dove down and grabbed it with his talons, carrying it back to his nest.
The Frog, being still fastened to the leg of the Mouse, was also carried off a prisoner, and was eaten by the Hawk.
MORAL : "Choose your allies carefully"
After this, he gradually led him towards the pond in which he lived, until reaching the banks of the water, he suddenly jumped in, dragging the Mouse with him. The Frog enjoyed the water amazingly, and swam croaking about, as if he had done a good deed.
The unhappy Mouse was soon sputtered and drowned in the water, and his poor dead body floating about on the surface. A Hawk observed the foating Mouse from the sky, and dove down and grabbed it with his talons, carrying it back to his nest.
The Frog, being still fastened to the leg of the Mouse, was also carried off a prisoner, and was eaten by the Hawk.
MORAL : "Choose your allies carefully"
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to think before you speak to me!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
my presence ever makes you feel uncomfortable!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to thank me for everything i do for you!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to say sorry for everything that you don't do!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to ask me for favors!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think i would not be curious to know your new philosophy of life!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you go by what i say and do not understand what i don't say!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think that listening to your dreams would put me to sleep!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think that seeing you in pain, would not bring a tear to me!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think I do not remember the first time we met!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you don't see the thousand ways I try to make you happy!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you don't realise how your smile brightens up my day!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you would rather keep quiet when you really wanna talk!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you hesitate to ask me to stay back when you think we should be together!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you take too much time to tell me what i mean to you!
Am I Your FRIEND ????
you have to think before you speak to me!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
my presence ever makes you feel uncomfortable!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to thank me for everything i do for you!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to say sorry for everything that you don't do!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to ask me for favors!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think i would not be curious to know your new philosophy of life!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you go by what i say and do not understand what i don't say!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think that listening to your dreams would put me to sleep!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think that seeing you in pain, would not bring a tear to me!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think I do not remember the first time we met!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you don't see the thousand ways I try to make you happy!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you don't realise how your smile brightens up my day!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you would rather keep quiet when you really wanna talk!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you hesitate to ask me to stay back when you think we should be together!
I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you take too much time to tell me what i mean to you!
Am I Your FRIEND ????
HABITUAL MISTAKE
An employee walks into the Accounts office and says "What is the meaning of this. I have been paid $200 less than what was decided upon."
The Accountant replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month."
The employee snaps back "Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report."
The Accountant replies "I know about it, but you did not complain when we paid $200 extra by mistake last month."
The employee snaps back "Yeah, I can bear with occasional mistakes but when you make it a habit I think I need to report."
nice story ( COME HOME EARLY)
Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"
Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"
Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"
Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
Daddy: "I make Rs. 500 an hour"
"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down.
Looking up, he said, "Dad, may I please borrow Rs. 300?"
The father was furious,"if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior"
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300 and he really didn't ask for money very often!"
The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.300 you asked for"
The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes.
The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father.
"Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?
Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you"
MORAL OF THE STORY
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.
We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family....
Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"
Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"
Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
Daddy: "I make Rs. 500 an hour"
"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down.
Looking up, he said, "Dad, may I please borrow Rs. 300?"
The father was furious,"if the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior"
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.
How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300 and he really didn't ask for money very often!"
The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door.
"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.
"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.
"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.300 you asked for"
The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes.
The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father.
"Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.
"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.
"Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?
Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you"
MORAL OF THE STORY
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life.
We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family....
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